You see, when things go south & difficulties come our way, we tend to look for the reasons they are happening. As if we have any control over life. When things are going well, we don't automatically start asking why things are going so well. No, we take them in & we often times think we've done something "good" to deserve them. But, when life stinks...we start rolling over & over in our mind where we've gone wrong. Where we've failed or messed up. This obviously has to be because of our own shortcomings & inability to do anything good enough we tell ourselves. However, it is in my difficulty that I am faced with reality. The reality that I cannot do anything so good or so bad for Jesus to stop loving me. Nothing I do can make him love me any less or love me any more. He just loves me. And in that love for me...he knows the plan for my life. He knows how to get my attention. He knows how to speak to me...even when I think I am just a mess.
Over the last several years, we have had nearly every financial difficulty come our way. I've gone through every possible avenue to try to understand what is going on. What are we doing wrong? Are we not good enough? Are we incompetent? Are we in the wrong professions? Should we go back to school? We've taken several financial classes & the theme in all of the classes is to cut debt & invest. Well, we've cut debt. We don't have credit cards. Yet, there still isn't anything leftover to do much with. You see, in the world's eyes, we are financial failures. Living paycheck to paycheck isn't very glamorous. However, I also know that when money isn't flowing in abundance, it is very hard for us to love money. It is very hard for us to desire more & more. It is very hard for us to find our significance in our possessions...in a house, in a car, in gadgets, in--you name it. We have to be very careful to have what is a need & essential. There's nothing for anything else but that. So, in actuality...having less is actually a huge blessing! Is it difficult sometimes? Yes, absolutely. But, to not be carried away by material possessions & status...that is the biggest blessing of all.
So, this leaves me with this thought...is is good enough to just have "enough"? Or should we be pursuing more? Don't get me wrong...with what we have...God has provided amazing things for us. And he has allowed us to still give to others & serve where we can. But if I sit back & really examine my own life & my own heart...am I okay with enough? If I am not...I then get into the cycle of the reasons "why" I am not okay with just that. I've realized that excessive reason searching is really just an excuse or justification to keep pursuing something other than God. Plain & simple.
Below is part of my why. Why I am here. Why I was made. Why I love. I've realized that as a mother, if I need more than these beautiful children to give me some sort of purpose & significance, I have really failed to hear God. How much louder can he speak? He has given us 3 gifts that are irreplaceable. And 3 gifts that are also our responsibility. May I never take this purpose lightly.